I am a planner. Through and through. When the clock struck midnight on January 1, 2014, I felt like I had complete control of this year. I knew what goals I had to accomplish and was very content in many aspects of my life.
And then 2014 happened. Many things flipped upside down, new things came into my life, I longed for old things–all of this being very vague but the point is, I sit here today feeling very unsure.
That doesn’t settle well with me which probably means it’s good for me. There’s the quote out there that basically says if you stay in your comfort zone you never grow. Sometimes that comfort zone just feels so good though…and I was in it for so long.
This year I just had so many things I wanted to accomplish and the priorities keep changing. Many things in my life just changed. Now I’m to the point where I look at my life and aside from a few important things….I just don’t know what is up. If that makes sense. Many things are just not in my control. And as a person who plans and tries to maintain organization, that’s definitely made me more anxious.
I’m not an overly anxious person. I don’t think. I get anxiety when people crowd around me, that’s something I say I get anxious about. But part of it is also being annoyed…a mix of the two…
So when I think of someone with anxiety, I never think of myself. I don’t feel I deserve to be able to say that because there are people in my life that I love so much and it’s a true struggle. But this year has tested my limits and with some of the information that is now coming out there in support of those suffering from anxiety and/or depression sadly from the death of Robin Williams, I’ve realized both happen on all levels, and at the end of the day we all have our own struggles. We all deal with life and changes differently.
Part of me feels I’m supposed to have this anxiety because it’ll push me and help me grow. Other times I just get really sad. This fluttered worry in my chest just sits there and I honestly can’t do much about many things right now.
We read this book at work earlier in the year about “being in your box.” We get into our box and don’t realize what others are going through or why they make the decisions they make. I honestly make an effort to get out of the box, but it doesn’t always happen. This year has really tested that for me.
I knew about mid-way through the year this year wasn’t going to go as I planned. I try to just take deep breaths and tell myself that I will one day be grateful for this year. It just doesn’t feel so great in the moment. I feel it’s the challenge of 2014, hoping it leads to a better 2015.