In a month from today I’m going to be on my way to a hotel to spend my last night “single,” although even though that’s what you put on legal documentation, I haven’t been “single” for the last nine years. I’ve been with my wonderful fiancé. I really wanted to blog about the whole experience and I find that I’ve blogged about what’s stressing me out. And then, I got so busy, I haven’t had time at all to just sit, think and express my thoughts.
Well, I think some power up above wanted to let me know I needed to relax hence giving me a very not-fun sinus issue that started when I woke up yesterday. Then I took medicine I shouldn’t have that made it worse, so needless to say I haven’t done a single thing or have really thought about the wedding.
I keep saying “better now than a month from now,” but maybe this was for a reason. While I feel pretty awful, it was good to just relax.
And now I’m blogging.
I think what I’m stressed about the most is the little things. Just making sure we’ve dotted our i’s, crossed our t’s and most of all money really makes me cringe. I’ve always been really responsible with my money and in all of this wedding planning, I’ve definitely spent more than I ever have. I know it will all be okay, it’s just about getting there.
The “unknown” is very scary to me. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t need to know every detail and plan everything little thing. (I was in catering, I learned quickly NOTHING goes as expected). But at the same time, I like to at least know how things may play out. Over the next month, I don’t know. I just know in the next 31 days, I’m going to finish up all these details, shell out even more money and in a month from tomorrow be a married girl.
It’s funny, all these jitters have nothing to do with being married. I’m excited to join in with my fiancé. I think where a lot of this stems is I have issues with people doing things for me and all eyes being on me. Honestly, some of my biggest “ah” moments are my bridal shower, walking down the aisle with my dad, or when my fiancé and I walk out to the introduction at our ceremony.
One of my biggest goals with the reception was to create not just a memorable experience for me, but for my guests. People always said, “it’s your wedding, do what you want.” I want people to be happy and have a great time. That’s what makes me happy.
Although I’m definitely doing things that I never planned to, and feel obligated to do other things. Things that I feel if I didn’t do it would deeply hurt people close to me. So I suppose I’ll just have anxiety over it until it’s over. Anxiety. That’s the word. That’s how I’ve been feeling. Anxious.
I met up with an old boss and friend, and she asked me if I was excited. Sure, I am, but I’m also incredibly nervous about the whole “how am I going to get from point A to point B” thing. I also told her about some of the things I felt obligated to do.
She reassured me and said, “If you were excited and not nervous, then you’d have something wrong. That’s how you’re supposed to feel right now.”
That validated a lot for me. I feel bad when people ask me about the wedding I always come back with something that I have to do. Because really, I am excited. People are going to be there that I haven’t seen in years. Then I’ll have my close friends by my side, as well as my family. And most important of all, my fiancé.
So here’s to getting through the next month in one piece. I’ve put a lot of pressure on myself to lose weight, finish arrangements, buy things, make small plans, etc. I’m going to still try, but I think this quick bug was a good reminder that it’s not worth being overly stressed about. I need to start enjoying this more, it’ll be one of the biggest days of my life.