Where’s my head

All the years I’ve been with my fiancé, I didn’t think things would change once we got engaged.

Then we got engaged.

Telling everyone is a big ordeal, and all eyes are on you. For me, that makes me ancy and nervous. So many questions, pieces of advice, input, planning, decisions to make-it’s all wonderful yet so overwhelming.

Then on top of that, we’re selling our house and moving at the worst possible time to be selling a house. We were ready, so we decided to go for it. ‘Found the apartment of our dreams, but now there’s this added pressure because we’re locked in one place and need to sell another.

You’d think this would be an incredibly exciting and romantic time for us, and it is, but the unknown is getting to my head. Bad. I’m very in my own little world and really feel like I’m neglecting my relationship. I’m so focused on this ridiculous to-do list, and am having trouble just sitting down and relaxing. It’s all I can do but to talk to him about what’s going on, what I wish would happen, and literally tackle this massive to-do list….but what’s it all for if we’re not enjoying it? Where’s my head? I’m kind of feeling like a terrible person.

And it will get worse.

Mid-wedding planning people are really going to start giving their suggestions to me and I’ve got a plan. I hate saying no, and I’m probably going to have to. It’s just the nature of planning a wedding. So far, it’s just been advice. But eventually plans are going to become concrete and I’m nervous. I want it to all work out perfectly, I don’t want anyone’s feelings to be hurt, I wish it all wasn’t as expensive as it is and I just hope it just goes smoothly.

There’s so much to plan for, I can’t believe it.

Then speaking of my money part, that really makes me feel like a failure. I’m still young and beginning my career, so I don’t have much saved. I just don’t.

I’m going to need to start buying things and I feel like such a failure because I can’t just throw $250 at something, let alone a couple thousand. I’m absolutely in love with our new place, and I will sit in the window and eat ramen noodles for a year, but I definitely will be tighter on money and that will just complicate things. I feel horrible saying, “I can’t afford it.” Even worse when I say I can’t do something then the other person offers to pay. Then again, I’ve done that too, so that’s a bit hypocritical of me to say….but I’ll say it under extreme circumstances.

I’m just ready to fast forward to mid-February when I’ll have one thing checked off my list. Because I’m too wired right now, and it’s trickling into my personal life. That’s not good. Not good at all.

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