Can you stop the spinning hamster wheel at night?

I’m organized.  Probably more than I should be.

And I’m a planner, when it comes to my own things.  Big time.  What do I need to do, what steps do I need to take to get there, how can I afford it… all questions that I think of.  Of course over the last few days (as I’ve mentioned over and over again), I have quite a few things going on and they are bouncing around my head.  Then what-ifs pop up in my head to try to figure things out, so I’ve got ideas out the whazoo which is fine and dandy at all… except when I can’t sleep because I’m thinking too much.

Can anyone stop the spinning hamster wheel at night?

It’s the best when it’s 2 a.m., you wake up from a dream and instantly go into think mode.  Or even better, (insert sarcasm), it’s 2 a.m. and you still haven’t fallen asleep, because you can’t stop thinking.

I don’t have this problem often, just when there’s a lot on my plate.  Usually I’m pretty cool, calm and collected and I don’t get anxiety.  But I think anyone will say they get anxiety when you can’t sleep.  It’s the most annoying thing in the world!  You can’t force yourself to go to sleep.  And laying there thinking about sleeping, mixed in with everything else isn’t going help you fall asleep either.  And I don’t want to take a sleeping aid at 2 a.m. to cure insomnia, I should have taken it earlier… but earlier… I didn’t know sleep was going to be an issue… because it’s not a regular thing for me.  (And I am sorry if insomnia is something you suffer from. It is the worst).

Even worse… the nights where I do think and plan when I should be counting sheep (which absolutely does not work, by the way) I either forget everything I thought about in the morning, or I know it won’t work.

Women are notorious for not letting our mind go into sleep mode.  So much to do.  So much to worry about.  So much on the calendar… we’re busy people.

When will the planning begin? Who knows…

You know… the more I sit here flipping through gorgeous wedding themed pictures on Pinterest… I’m wondering why I’m not in full blown planning mode.

I think it’s because everything is so up in the air.  I have no clue what we’re doing.  We still have so many what-ifs.  I don’t know if I want a small ceremony or a justice of the peace ceremony.  I don’t know if I’ll change my mind and just get married in a church.  But I’m Catholic and he’s not.  I wouldn’t want a Catholic wedding and we wouldn’t have a religious ceremony anyway.  So who would be able to do the wedding for us?

Honestly I would prefer it to be small.  The only thing important to me as far as a ceremony goes is just he and I.  I would do it tomorrow just the two of us, but I know that would hurt at least my family’s feelings.  I don’t know why I get anxiety thinking of having the white dress on, walking with my dad down an aisle with hundreds of people looking at me with the exception of a few people starring at him to see his reaction to me.  That’s what every girl dreams of, and for me, it just makes me anxious.

But even though I would like a small ceremony, I would love a large party.  I’d love to throw something for our family and friends that they’ll always remember.  Yes, it’s my day.  But I’m a people pleaser.  I’m not going to enjoy it if the people with me aren’t.  However will people be okay coming in for a party or reception, but not a ceremony?  I wonder if it’s rude?  I don’t intend for it to be at all.  And honestly, does anyone else really care about the ceremony?  It seems like whenever you’re sitting in the ceremony, you’re just waiting for it to end so you can get your party on.  And recently, or at least quite a few weddings I’ve attended, there’s a huge break in between the ceremony and reception for photos.  So then there is just a gap for people.  I just want it simple.

Join us on X date and let’s celebrate.

Then there’s money.  My parents are being beyond generous, and I’d like to make it work with what they’d like to give me.  And even though a few other people close to me are being overly generous and wonderful too, things are just expensive!  With my recent medical bills, upcoming vacation and a possible move, I think maybe that’s why I haven’t gone into full blown wedding mode.  Like I said earlier, it’s the most important thing to me, I just have other things I have to get out of the way first.  I wish I could just have all the money in the word.  I’d make it all happen.