My muscles hurt so good

Reality has set in.  I’m traveling in a month and need to finish getting myself in the shape I’d like to be in.  I’m to the point now where it’s just a lot of toning and defining.

I told my fiancé (it’s still taking me a while to get used to calling him that!) on Sunday I was getting myself together and not to let me snack on bad foods at night. I said no matter how much I wanted to, he shouldn’t let me.  Then on Monday I ate my healthy breakfast, healthy lunch then a decent dinner.  After dinner I went for a donut and he looked at me with the biggest smile and said, “You can’t eat that. You told me to tell you not to, so I’m telling you not to!”

And since, I’ve been doing okay.  Having someone to help keep you on track is a good thing.  I don’t mind that I have him over my shoulder.  I probably need it to stay motivated.

I’ve also been working out again too. 30 minutes per day.  Nothing major, 20 minutes of intense workouts (thank you Comcast onDemand) and then a quick 10 minute jog on the treadmill.  It’s nothing epic at all, but it’s better than nothing. I’ve been doing this since Monday and all of my muscles hurt.  But it’s a good hurt.  It’s a constant reminder of the good things.

The place where working out and eating healthy gets difficult is the weekend.  There’s more free time and temptation is to get into things you shouldn’t. Then also, when there are social events, it’s extremely hard.  Especially when people start to ask questions and even worse when people tell you you’re fine.

I’ll keep working though.  One month until a huge huge huge trip.  All of this hard work will be worth it.

Can you stop the spinning hamster wheel at night?

I’m organized.  Probably more than I should be.

And I’m a planner, when it comes to my own things.  Big time.  What do I need to do, what steps do I need to take to get there, how can I afford it… all questions that I think of.  Of course over the last few days (as I’ve mentioned over and over again), I have quite a few things going on and they are bouncing around my head.  Then what-ifs pop up in my head to try to figure things out, so I’ve got ideas out the whazoo which is fine and dandy at all… except when I can’t sleep because I’m thinking too much.

Can anyone stop the spinning hamster wheel at night?

It’s the best when it’s 2 a.m., you wake up from a dream and instantly go into think mode.  Or even better, (insert sarcasm), it’s 2 a.m. and you still haven’t fallen asleep, because you can’t stop thinking.

I don’t have this problem often, just when there’s a lot on my plate.  Usually I’m pretty cool, calm and collected and I don’t get anxiety.  But I think anyone will say they get anxiety when you can’t sleep.  It’s the most annoying thing in the world!  You can’t force yourself to go to sleep.  And laying there thinking about sleeping, mixed in with everything else isn’t going help you fall asleep either.  And I don’t want to take a sleeping aid at 2 a.m. to cure insomnia, I should have taken it earlier… but earlier… I didn’t know sleep was going to be an issue… because it’s not a regular thing for me.  (And I am sorry if insomnia is something you suffer from. It is the worst).

Even worse… the nights where I do think and plan when I should be counting sheep (which absolutely does not work, by the way) I either forget everything I thought about in the morning, or I know it won’t work.

Women are notorious for not letting our mind go into sleep mode.  So much to do.  So much to worry about.  So much on the calendar… we’re busy people.

When will the planning begin? Who knows…

You know… the more I sit here flipping through gorgeous wedding themed pictures on Pinterest… I’m wondering why I’m not in full blown planning mode.

I think it’s because everything is so up in the air.  I have no clue what we’re doing.  We still have so many what-ifs.  I don’t know if I want a small ceremony or a justice of the peace ceremony.  I don’t know if I’ll change my mind and just get married in a church.  But I’m Catholic and he’s not.  I wouldn’t want a Catholic wedding and we wouldn’t have a religious ceremony anyway.  So who would be able to do the wedding for us?

Honestly I would prefer it to be small.  The only thing important to me as far as a ceremony goes is just he and I.  I would do it tomorrow just the two of us, but I know that would hurt at least my family’s feelings.  I don’t know why I get anxiety thinking of having the white dress on, walking with my dad down an aisle with hundreds of people looking at me with the exception of a few people starring at him to see his reaction to me.  That’s what every girl dreams of, and for me, it just makes me anxious.

But even though I would like a small ceremony, I would love a large party.  I’d love to throw something for our family and friends that they’ll always remember.  Yes, it’s my day.  But I’m a people pleaser.  I’m not going to enjoy it if the people with me aren’t.  However will people be okay coming in for a party or reception, but not a ceremony?  I wonder if it’s rude?  I don’t intend for it to be at all.  And honestly, does anyone else really care about the ceremony?  It seems like whenever you’re sitting in the ceremony, you’re just waiting for it to end so you can get your party on.  And recently, or at least quite a few weddings I’ve attended, there’s a huge break in between the ceremony and reception for photos.  So then there is just a gap for people.  I just want it simple.

Join us on X date and let’s celebrate.

Then there’s money.  My parents are being beyond generous, and I’d like to make it work with what they’d like to give me.  And even though a few other people close to me are being overly generous and wonderful too, things are just expensive!  With my recent medical bills, upcoming vacation and a possible move, I think maybe that’s why I haven’t gone into full blown wedding mode.  Like I said earlier, it’s the most important thing to me, I just have other things I have to get out of the way first.  I wish I could just have all the money in the word.  I’d make it all happen.

The last thing on my mind….

Funny, when a girl gets engaged, she goes into planning mode. Hm. Not this girl.

First, we have a trip to NYC again for Cosmo Con. Before that, we’re going to beach somewhere nearby for a few days to relax. I know, who are we? It’ll be nice though. Very very nice.

But there’s just one thing that’s really sitting in the back of my head–even though I can make it work–it’s money.

That’s the second thing I’m thinking of over my wedding. I have some new medical bills to figure out. It’s not a ton, but enough to get me worked up.  I like not having to worry about money and I’m territory I haven’t been in before. I know it’ll be fine, because I never put myself in situations I can’t get out of, and I had to do what I had to do, but it’s still different.

Last, the third thing is moving. Even if it was a long time from now, which I hope it isn’t, I feel like that’s higher up on my priority list. I hate my drive to work every day and there’s quite a bit to do around here to get it ready….I’m just excited about that.

Then there’s my wedding. That’s pretty backwards. But it’s also exciting. “Oh yeah, I have this too.” So even though there are other things on my mind at the moment, it’s just in the moment. The wedding, more important.

Settled In

So it’s been over a week since I got engaged.  It’s finally all settled in and I feel back to normal.  It was a great week last week, and even though I’ve been with my fiancé for over eight years, it still feels different.  Not drastically different but I mean it’s the next step.  You always think about the next step, then it happens and it’s a reality.  Planning isn’t just a possibility or “what if,” it’s actually going on.

Although we haven’t made any plans.  Our biggest question is the date.  We’re leaning toward August.  We thought about May, but then the only available weekend that worked was May 18.  Well that’s the weekend between Mother’s Day and Memorial Day, so that’s not going to work.  I always associate our anniversary in August, so I think we’ll shoot for that.  Maybe August 10.  That’s the day we got engaged and it just happens to fall on a Saturday next year.

I have made one decision though, and it entails my name.  They were having a conversation about names on Cosmo Radio’s Wake Up with Taylor.  I always planned to take his name, but during the conversation they talked about how many girls drop their middle name and move over their maiden name.  After thinking hard about it, I really like that idea.  While I like my middle name, I’ve always been my last name.  If there’s anything that defines me more, it’s my last name.  So I think I’ll legally drop out my middle name (even though it will always be there, just not on paper), and move over my soon-to-be-maiden.